Everything I Needed to Know About Management, I Learned From Parenthood

I've been saying for years that I would write a book on the parallels between parenthood and managing people. My bucket list is already longer than I will ever be able to accomplish, so I'm going to have to settle for a blog post on this Father's Day.

Parenting is hard but fulfilling work. If it strikes you that I'm infantilizing management by comparing it this way, it might be that you are underestimating the importance of many parenting skills and the maturity of many children. Many children are capable of greater depth in their communication and relationships with their parents than we give them credit for.

Without further ado, and in no particular order, here's my list:

You can't avoid conflict

Your kids aren't going to act like perfect little angels all the time. Your employees won't always be the perfect employees. Your kids behavior will need to be corrected, and sometimes there will be tears involved. Team members you manage will need to be guided as well, and you won't be able to do that without the risk of some hurt feelings.

Don't avoid helping your kid OR a team member adjust their behavior or performance because it will make you uncomfortable. Helping them make those adjustments is basically the job description.

Respect your asymmetric power position

As a parent, you usually hold the trump card. You can pull out "Go to your room!" at any time. It can be tempting to solve a problem by just making it go away - temporarily - by pulling the trump card. However, that's a great way to build resentment and avoid helping your child grow and develop.

Instead, helping your child understand why a certain behavior is wrong and helping them understand a better alternative will always help more in the long run.

If you find yourself forcing your employees to do what you think they should do, you might do well to question some of your assumptions about management. Just as with children, with your team members this approach will build resentment and deprive them of the opportunity to grow and improve.

As a parent and as a manager you will always have the final say, but there should almost always be agreement (or at least an understanding) about a particular decision.

Allow each other to screw up

When you have a good relationship with your children or your employees, there's quite a bit of slack for screwups. Nobody is perfect. Your kids won't be, your employees won't be, and you won't be. It's easier to do the right thing most of the time when there is less pressure to be perfect all the time.

If you want your kids or your employees to look past your mistakes and imperfections, offer the same benefit to them.

If you want your kids and your employees to come to you when things aren't going well, when they screwed up, or when they need help, they need to feel safe to do so.

Maintain a good relationship

Leaders can lead without knowing their followers. Neither managers nor parents have the luxury of skipping out on relationship building though.

The president of a country, the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and the general leading thousands of soldiers can all be effective leaders without getting to know each of their people. If you are going to manage a team though, it means building mutual respect and understanding with each and every member of that team.

Absentee parents might be parents in name, but any positive impact on their children will only be a fraction of what is possible with the foundation of a good relationship. Managers can certainly tell their reports what to do without the benefit of actually getting to know them, but it's MUCH more impactful to actually know the person you are managing well enough to care for them and want the best for them.

When your kids and your team both know you care, doing the job is much easier.

Put in the work

It's hard work being a good parent. Really hard work. REALLY really hard work.

There are no shortcuts. You don't get to watch your children grow from a distance and them buy them a pony for their 14th birthday and magically catch up on all the work you should have been putting in up to that point.

As a manager, you can't think about your reports every once in a while and figure out how to fire them when they don't perform. Not if you want to keep a healthy, well-running team.

Acting as a parent can't be done as an afterthought, and being a manager can't be approached that way either. It requires constant effort in relationship building, seeking understanding, and coaching.

Continually give feedback, good and bad.

Nobody likes to have their deficiencies pointed out to them. Negative feedback is hard to receive, and it's equally hard to give.

But, as a parent or manager you must give negative feedback when appropriate. Not doing so risks robbing your employees/kids of growth opportunities.

One of the easiest "tricks" is to always give feedback, good and bad. For most people the feedback is going to be positive most of the time. Positive feedback is always good to give anyway, but it also makes it easier (and more impactful) to give corrective feedback when you need to.

Know when to jump in, and when to stay out

Nobody likes a micromanager, or a helicopter parent. At the same time, nobody likes being left high and dry when they need help.

It's not always easy to know when to jump in and when to stay out. You should generally have a bias for avoiding micromanagement. People need a chance to show what they can do, and to rise to the occasion - whatever that occasion is.

Under ideal circumstances your kids and your team will both ask for help when they need it. There might not be enough trust built for that though, or sometimes people might not even be aware that they need help. Part of your job is having that foundation of trust and communication so that you can know when people need help, despite them not telling you.

Conclusion

Luckily, the stakes are lower for a manager than they are for a parent. Both roles still carry a lot of pressure though, and both will require effort, communication, and relationship building.

If you are a parent, don't be afraid to use that experience as a manager - you might find that the overlap is more significant than you imagine.